If you are a writer, artist, or creator who hopes that your work is seen and embraced by others, I want to encourage you to intentionally develop colleagues and friendships. To know how to start conversations with readers, and turn those moments into professional relationships that sustain you (and them!) over time.
I don’t mean, sign up for a conference and hope you meet someone you like. But to reach out to someone you admire, are inspired by, or feel aligned with, then take a meaningful and intentional step to forge a professional connection.
To me, this is critical to not only your success as a writer, but to supporting your mental health along the way. To not be alone as a writer.
I want to be clear, I am not talking about transactional relationships, where you befriend someone because you expect something in return, or because they are an influencer. I mean seeking out a professional relationship, one that takes time to develop, and rests on connection, support, and generosity.
What’s more, connecting with others just feels good. It is the difference between feeling isolated in your craft vs. having your weeks filled with conversation and experiences with people that inspire you. This not only makes your creative work more likely to find an audience, but it will feel more fulfilling along the way.
Below I will share a specific process that you can use to develop professional connections. In the past I have I it “The Four S Process,” but now I have added a fifth step. I’m thinking of calling this the Colleagues in Craft Method instead (feedback welcome!) Here is what it looks like:
- Seek out others
- Signal that you are like them
- Share things that inspire you/them
- Shape conversations
- Sustain these relationships
I provide context and examples below.
All this month I’m talking about what it means to engage your ideal readers. You can get access to my exclusive series that I share each Tuesday by becoming a paid subscriber:
Okay, let’s dig in…
Step #1: Seek Out Others
Seek out others who care about books/writing/art/themes similar to what you create. These can be fans of like work, other writers in the same space, or those who are advocates for it. Sometimes this means searching on certain keywords or hashtags on social media, finding where communities of readers hang out, showing up to events online or off, or reaching out to someone directly who is known in that space.
Their connection to similar work doesn’t have to be incredibly specific. E.G.:
- Not this: “I only want to talk to writers of hard sci-fi with a theme focusing on climate, and also a soft romance plot, but in an epic scale, because that is what I write. Those are the only people worth talking to.”
- But instead, this: “Who loves science fiction? Who loved ____ book? Where does ____ writer show up? Where do these conversations happen online or off?”
Put yourself into situations where you could discover/meet these people. Can you seek out people in other ways? Sure. Be someone who always has a book on them. If you see someone reading a book, ask about it. Where a t-shirt that says “I love books.” Show up at bookstores, libraries, literary festivals, and conventions in real life. Or follow writers in your space online.
Seeking out others is a skill that you can develop. Look beyond your existing circle of friends when needed. Do more than silently “following” someone online, or at most, clicking “like” on a post they share that resonates with you.
Others who write in the same space as you are not competitors or competition, they are colleagues. Support them, and do so with vigor. You will not only increase the chance of developing colleagues, but you will truly be bringing more joy to their lives.
It is a social risk to show up in a new place and start a conversation. I am a huge introvert who barely ever leaves my 4 square mile town, and spends 99% of my time at my private studio or at home with my family. Yet, I seek out others through online means, and work to develop professional relationships and friendships. This is possible, and the process can be deeply meaningful.
Step #2: Signal that you are like them
When you consider approaching someone, don’t make it immediately about you and your needs. Instead, focus on shared interests, or your delight in what you see the other person already celebrating.
How did producer Jack Antonoff (from New Jersey!) and Taylor Swift first meet and establish a friendship? They met an awards show and had a conversation about their shared love for the 1980s band Yazoo. He has since produced several of Taylor’s albums.
Don’t start conversations making it immediately about your writing. E.G.: “Oh I see you like that super popular book! Well, I wrote a book of my own that you will LOVE, let me tell you about it.” Instead, focus on shared connections that the other person can relate to before you venture into your own work.
Sometimes this signaling can be active, but other times it can be passive. For instance, if post on a social media channel such as Instagram, does it immediately signal to people that you are a writer, and the themes you love writing about? Or is it 1,000 photos of your (adorable) dog. If you desperately want to be known as a writer who focuses on _____ themes, how are you signaling that to others? Can you also share about your dog? Of course! But consider: “If someone looks at what I share, would they immediately know that I’m a writer, and the themes or kinds of ideas that I love exploring?”
Or let’s say you work at an office, and a coworker enters the break room the same time as you and says, “How was your weekend?” Do you say, “Pretty good, caught the game.” Or do you say, “Pretty good, worked on a chapter of my novel?”
These signals matter, and they add up.
Likewise, you can focus on signaling the emotions you hope your writing encourages in people, not just the topics you write about. Maybe you write poetry and worry that it is difficult to find people who read poetry. But what if you determine that the overarching theme of your poems is hope. Could you not make everything you share about hope? When you see someone express hope, could you not signal to them that you are alike? That would be a wonderful way in to forge a connection with people.
Step #3: Share things that inspire you/them
Having a conversation in this context is about sharing a moment together. This is how we build bonds and establish trust. Take the risk to share your enthusiasm about something. Validate others when they express enthusiasm. Not just clicking “like” online, but maybe a private message telling them that they truly made your day, and explain why.
Here is an example: In 2014 Bill Murray was asked if there was a moment in his life when art truly mattered to him and made a difference for him. Bill’s reply:
“I think it would be back when I started acting in Chicago. I remember my first experience on the stage, I was so bad and I just walked out. I walked for a couple of hours, and I realized I’d walked the wrong direction. Not just the wrong direction in terms of where I live, but in terms of a desire to stay alive. I ended up in front of the Art Institute in Chicago. I walked in and there’s a painting there, I think it’s called “The Song of the Lark.” It’s a woman working in a field and there’s a sunrise behind her. I’ve always loved this painting. I saw it that day, and just thought, well look, there’s a girl who doesn’t have a whole lot of prospects. But the sun is coming up anyway, and she has got another chance at it. That gave me a feeling that I too am a person, and get another chance every day the sun comes up.”
Can you give this same gift to someone today. To let them know in a meaningful way that their work matters to you. Sure, it can be a book or painting. But it can also be something simpler such as something they shared on social media made you feel good.
This is about seeing and celebrating someone when they create, and for who they are. Share a supportive word, letting them know that their work matters to you.
Step #4: Shape conversations
Here you can begin moving conversations to places that you hope to find a deeper alignment. When you hope to make a meaningful connection with someone, be intentional in this work.
I love this conversation between Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Sally Field, and Rita Moreno about being intentional about friendships.
Jane Fonda: “What you have to do is be intentional. I never used to be intentional, I would meet Sally Field, for example, but not pursue her. (she pauses) Well, I did pursue you…”
Sally Field: “Oh for goodness sakes, I couldn’t make you stop. I’m very reclusive, I mean, I’m a notorious hermit.”
Lily Tomlin: “I don’t really like people that much.”
Sally Field: “No I really don’t either.”
Lily Tomlin: “I try to avoid them.”
Sally Field: “Me too.”
Lily Tomlin: “But those who are intentional (pointing to Jane Fonda)…”
Lily and Sally in unison: “You just you just can’t get away from them, they won’t go away.”
Of course, critical here is to be respectful of people’s boundaries, and to always ask permission when trying to create a connection. But this conversation illustrates that this is work, it takes effort. And that this effort can be worth it.
Step #5: Sustain These Relationships
Keeping relationships is work as well, and I encourage you to attend this. Maintain the relationships you establish. We can view this from a number of angles. The first is that it helps others feel appreciated and cared for. It also can help sustain your own mental health by filling your life with people who care about you and your work.
Some writers are fine with sharing when there is a specific reason to, such as a book launch, but then get sheepish in sustaining those connections. They justify, “Oh, I was so active engaging with people during my last book launch, I don’t want to bug them. I’ll reach out again in a year or two when I have more info about my next book.”
The problem here? Only showing up in someone’s life when they need something, or have “big news.” I encourage you to focus on sustaining the relationships that matter to you.
Get busy attending to your friendships. How can you do that? Take one tiny action: a text message, email, phone call, or a letter.
But if that feels too ordinary, why not randomly send a friend a vintage Beanie Baby? Who would not want to get Twitterbug in the mail? Or Wise the owl, or Hoppity the rabbit? eBay has thousands of options:
(I worked at a toy store in New York City at the height of the Beanie Baby craze, and it clearly left an impact on me!)
One of the most precious aspects of our lives and your career as a writer is the relationships you form. Don’t put this on autopilot, don’t wait for a chance encounter when you bump into someone, and don’t make others do the work. Be intentional about creating and maintaining professional relationships and friendships.
Please let me know in the comments: what are the challenges you face in seeking out and maintaining connections with others? What has worked for you in the past?
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Thank you for being here with me.
-Dan